Something to say?

I've had the blues the past few days. Being a parent is a great joy. However, there are some things that come with it that I did not anticipate. It is boring and I feel isolated. Making and maintaining friendships is either 1) more difficult or 2) more needed. On most days, I could sit home, doing chores without a single person calling, texting, or reaching out to me in any way. In turn, my brain feels dull. What could I possibly have to say or contribute to anyone or anything? I ask myself that when I am feeling blue. I've felt blue a lot lately.

So, this is some brainstorming writing. There are things I enjoy and things I find interesting. Lately, of course between my marriage to an Indian and the birth of our half-Indian/half-White son, I've been thinking a lot about the things I want him to know about his family. There's a lot. There are so many people I wish he had a chance to know. There are things I hope he has the opportunity to see. And, of course, there are opportunities that Arvind and i need to create for him. There are things I want him to understand, much of which I don't even understand now. There are simple things like what is the necklace that he likes to play with so much? Why do I wear it? What is it called? What is its symbolism? There are a lot more complicated things, like the nature of mistakes and how they don't have to define you. That's it's okay to forgive yourself when you do make mistakes. (This is something I have struggled with my whole life, and, in a fouled-up circular pattern, I continually punish myself for mistakes, creating layers of guilt upon guilt. What if I decided to not hold onto the guilt? I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I don't want my fouled-up self-esteem to be something I hand over to my son.) I want him to know about the importance of music. I want him to know about taking risks--even though I've rarely taken any.

I created a writing schedule earlier last week. What a bunch of phooey. I will write about things as they come to me. The more important thing is that I write. If I can write, even a little, every day in the context of the baby, the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, the exercising, the utter lack of good sleep, then I am doing well enough. Go easy on yourself when it comes to this, McHale.

I miss my last name. Arvind once told me he wanted me to take his name. Then, after we were married and I changed my name, he said it wasn't that important to him. Sometimes he is a totally inconsistent asshole. I'd hope it's not intentional, but he does a really great job of jerking me around sometimes. I'd much rather that he had taken my name--as if that would have ever been an option. I wish he was as liberal and forward thinking as he likes to think he is sometimes.

On a related note, I need to get better about taking a stand on all fronts.

Bed writing : I have lost track of days.

As I was getting ready for bed tonight, I thought to myself "I forgot to write today." I started to dismiss the project with a "I must not have anything to say." 

But I do.

Mothering is isolating. The only people who will "get it" are other moms. As liberal or as attentive as some men say they are when it comes to child-rearing, it's a bunch of bullshit. 

I think I am getting closer to starting a moms group for Greenville.

Moving forward: Day 4

I skipped a day of writing! If I want to make writing and journaling a part of my life, then, much like exercise or anything else that is important to me. I need to prioritize it. If I am feeling tired, I need to do it anyway. Even if it just means I type out a few sentences that read "Today I am tired and this is all I can write."

So, this week, I committed myself to thinking and writing about my own health and wellness development. Proudly, I've gone to spinning class for the past three days. It takes effort to get there. Primarily, I need to get myself and baby fed and dressed and out the door by 8 a.m. to attend an 8:30 class. If I get my gear together the night before, this will become a much more streamlined and less stressful process. Gratefully, Arvind has entertained the baby for 5 minutes the past two mornings so I could get my act together.

One of the health and wellness issues I think I have that I've historically ignored is my love of sweets and carbs. I love desserts. If I can get myself to just one sweet a day, I will consider that a real accomplishment. 

1. 30 minutes of cardio at least five a week
2. Drink eight cups of water daily
3. Eat three 1/2 cup servings of veggies five days a week
4. Eat two 1/2 cup servings of fruit five days a week
5. Eat only one "sweet" or dessert-like item five days a week
6. Practice some form of self-care (therapy, meditation, 30-minute power nap, doctor's appointment, pedicure, massage, uninterrupted reading, etc.) five days a week
7. Aim for 1950 calories consumed a day, which sets me at a half pound weight loss a week.

I believe I mentioned in a previous post on MyFitnessPal that I wanted to reverse schedule my day for a week. I have since decided that won't work for me and I don't need to have my day scheduled to a tee. If things get done, they get done. That kind of pressure will only add to my anxiety. Do what I can, when I can. If I meet the day's goals, okay. If I don't, it will be okay. Just tend to that marvelous baby.

Cindy was today's RPM instructor. I really enjoyed her good energy. Plus, she has cute hair. Each day I've gone to spinning this week a guy named Fred was there. His wife works in finance for Michelin. They used to live in Nova Scotia. The other day i also met someone named Jessica, who works for a contractor for GE and used to work for GE. She is petite with blond shouler length hair and looks like a runner.

Bev was working the child care this morning. I like her for some reason.

Scatter-brained Sunday: Day 4

While in my 1:30 spin class today, I thought of something to write about today. And then I promptly forgot what the great idea was.

I never regret going to the gym.

If I make it there three times a week, I will be happy with myself. I will aim for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday spinning classes, using the weekend for a run. If I don't make it to a class on time, I will just hop on an elliptical. Yeah, that's the ticket.

It's been raining the past three days. I did not leave the house on Saturday and only left today for the gym and then a family outing to look at an espresso machine.

We're going to State College at the end of the month. Arvind is looking forward to it and I could not care less if I ever went back again. Maybe the shift in my relationship there is too fresh.

I am tired and shockingly unfocused right now. This is all I have to share today.

Idea: Do a vision board. 

Pondering purpose: Day 3

I was just thinking about what I should write about tonight. And I went all curricular on my self. Rather than ask, "What is the purpose of education?" I ask "What is the purpose of this little writing project?" Well, it could have multiple purposes, I suppose.
1. To hone my writing skills.
2. To help organize my thoughts.
3. To serve some sort of therapeutic purpose.
4. To create something on which I can reflect and think about my future.
5. Make sure I keep using my brain for something other than parenting. 

In my first post, I mentioned that I have an array of goals for the year: financial, health and wellness, professional, friendship, marital, and parenting. Maybe it would be reasonable for me to focus on one of these goals a week and then revisit them on a rotating basis. The first week with each topic can be used to define goals and then as I revisit I can reflect on the initial goals and tweak as needed. Fabulous!

So, with Monday as the start to a week, it looks like I've got my own little schedule set-up as follows:

Week 1, Jan. 5-11: Health and wellness
Week 2, Jan. 12-18: Financial
Week 3, Jan. 19 -25: Professional
Week 4, Jan. 26 - Feb. 1: Friendship
Week 5, Feb. 2 - 8: Marital
Week 6, Feb. 9 - 15: Parenting

Each week, I could think about what aspect of each dimension I would like to improve upon and how best to do it. I could do a little reading, reflect on it, and think about how it applies to my life. Ideally. I do have a baby and a husband who travels. Maybe in the wee hours while the babe sleeps this magic can happen.

Side note: I can not seem to find my copy of the Happiness Project and it's driving me batty.

Gloomy: Day 2

It's an raining, cold, and gray day in Greenville. I was eager to shower and run some errands. But, mysteriously, it's almost 2 p.m., I have not showered, and I'm still in my pajamas. I miss interacting with humans on a regular basis. Sometimes, when it's just me and the baby, I let my mind get the worst of me. Today's "worst" thoughts had me pondering the relationships I have with other people in my life. Yesterday, we spent much of the day calling people to wish them a happy new year. Yet, funny enough, not a single person called me to do the same. I should not spend too much time letting it get to me. Other people have lives to go on with and they rarely include pausing to call people. (Do people actually do that anymore or are we all texts and Facebook messages now? How depressingly inauthentic!) Anyway, one of my humble goals for 2015 is to strive to nurture the relationships in my life and, if I am lucky, tack on one or two new ones this year.

Speaking of new relationships, as a stay-at-home parent who is not involved in a church, how the hell do you make new friends? I've met someone I thought would be a friend at the gym before, but that fizzed out for some reason. Some of my spouse's colleague's wives are really nice, but they rarely reach out to me. Reaching out to others with little reciprocity makes me question the value of the relationship. I've got two female friends in Greenville. I've lived here 5 years. Why does that sting?

However, those two friends are gems. They're nice people and I would trust them with almost anything.

Is it crazy to start a mom's group in Greenville? Stay-at-home moms are people, too, right? 

Ramblin': Day 1

I've always enjoyed journaling. The process and the product of the process always give me a sense of being grounded--if even for just a few minutes. Over the past week or two, I've done a few blog posts on MyFitnessPal and found myself looking forward to writing a new post. So, last night, as I had about 100 thoughts a minute on what I would like to accomplish in the new year and how the heck to organize the ideas, I thought, why not write about it? Better yet, why not write about it every day?

So, that's a goal. I am curious to see how many entries I actually bang out this year. Surely, it may not be 365 with our family travels, day-to-day life with my now-7-month-old babe, and the expectations of an even more sporadic spouse.

I've got a lot on my mind in terms of things to accomplish this year. I've got financial goals, health and wellness goals, professional goals, friendship goals, marital goals, and parenting goals. It'd be nice for me to spend some time over the next week or so actually articulating these goals and the steps with which I may achieve them.

One of the more familiar realms to me involves health and wellness. I am a habitual user of MyFitnessPal. This week I am logging every thing I put in my mouth and all of my activities and looking for ways to tweak my day-to-day food and fitness. I've done it before and I can do it again. 

I am rambling a bit here. That's okay. The important part is that I set aside some time, put my butt in a chair, and scribed a few paragraphs.

Something to think about: If and when I want to make my writing public. I have a lot on my mind. Some of it is great for public consumption and some of it is intensely personal. How do I use this space wisely, but also support the idea of making the process and product of writing public? I've criticized others in the past for hiding this ugly process behind closed doors, but maybe it's easier to criticize scholarly writers rather than those who are doing writing of a more personal nature.

Currently reading: The Likeness by Tana French (IDEA: Pick up Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project again and read it to coincide with my year of writing?)
Current weight: 146 lbs.

And, a tip of the hat for the name of this blog: It's drawn from Seamus Heaney's poem "Digging."

Between my finger and my thumb  

The squat pen rests; snug as a gun.

Under my window, a clean rasping sound  

When the spade sinks into gravelly ground:  

My father, digging. I look down

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds  

Bends low, comes up twenty years away  

Stooping in rhythm through potato drills  

Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft  

Against the inside knee was levered firmly.

He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep

To scatter new potatoes that we picked,

Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a spade.  

Just like his old man.

My grandfather cut more turf in a day

Than any other man on Toner’s bog.

Once I carried him milk in a bottle

Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up

To drink it, then fell to right away

Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods 

Over his shoulder, going down and down

For the good turf. Digging.

The cold smell of potato mould, the squelch and slap

Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge

Through living roots awaken in my head.

But I’ve no spade to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb

The squat pen rests.

I’ll dig with it.